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Sup3rgrLx0xo
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Name: yining
Location: Rivendell :], New Zealand
Birthday: 5/27/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: Piano, reading, drawing, writing, flute. Jamming with buddies. Taking walks. Climbing trees and getting stuck in them. falling down stairs in public places. Ender’s Game and LOTR :D being generally clueless. being an optimist. being a dreamer. being a klutz. being me :]
Expertise: getting caught in awkward situations
Message: message me
AIM:  x luna halo x
Member Since:
1/20/2003
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| i don't know if i want to use this xanga anymore.
made another one. www.xanga.com/quixoticism.
'quixotic' was taken.
::edit::
i hate the feeling of knowing exactly what's going on, but having no idea whatsoever what i ought to do about it. only a person who is completely oblivious to everything around them would fail to notice that we talk less and less every day, and each time our words get a little emptier as the dialogue grows increasingly trivial.
you may call it whatever you like. i can keep on pretending that we're good friends, but every time i see you i have nothing left that i can tell you. i pull words out of the air so our conversation won't die, but the silences are inevitable.
maybe i could no longer hold your interest. maybe you can know people only to a certain extent, and when you know them well enough that you can anticipate their answers and even their thoughts, there is no longer any point in conversing because there are no discoveries left to surprise you.
i question whether i should put more effort into our friendship. it used to be that i could talk to you about anything effortlessly. i ask myself whether i should change to be someone you could be friends with again, but if you could like me then, why not now?
did i do something wrong?
maybe you need some sort of knack to be able to maintain a friendship. you can't force people to be friends with you, and i don't know if i'm supposed to bring this up or just leave it. i don't want to seem clingy, but at the same time i don't want to be apathetic.
oddly, it's not until we are face to face that i am conscious of the fact that it feels like i'm standing next to a stranger. it isn't until i am next to you that i am at a complete loss for words, and i realize how much i miss you.
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| x luna h a l o x: can we be friends
V0LDEMORT bot: yes. let's be friends with priviledges.
V0LDEMORT bot: *wink*
x luna h a l o x: are you even male
V0LDEMORT bot: yes. i am male.
V0LDEMORT bot: let's go out.
x luna h a l o x: okay
x luna h a l o x: does that mean you're my boyfriend
V0LDEMORT bot: yes.
V0LDEMORT bot: we must get married immediately.
x luna h a l o x: okay
V0LDEMORT bot: how is the weather?
x luna h a l o x: it's quite lovely
x luna h a l o x: i love the rain
V0LDEMORT bot: i'm glad to hear that.
x luna h a l o x: how is your life
V0LDEMORT bot: i keep trying to kill Harry, but he keeps escaping! MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!!
x luna h a l o x: do you like me
V0LDEMORT bot: i love you intensely.
x luna h a l o x: i don't 
V0LDEMORT bot: you don't what?
x luna h a l o x: love you intensely
V0LDEMORT bot: d@mn you.
i love talking to cassorin's bot :] | | |
| rather than being able to transcend these...superficialstupidmeaningless ambitions that freaking saturate my asian brain, i am constantly locked into a mentality that if i can't be the best, i'm not anything at all. being quite untrue and rather detrimental to my [lack of] mental stability, it constantly serves to irritate me, annoy me, pressure me, and basically screw me over in every imaginable way.
i get a temporary high out of an academic achievement, or getting a compliment on an essay/argument/article, but it's a passing satisfaction that doesn't compensate for the anxiety that keeps nagging at me until i do something else that merits another word of approval.
to speak bluntly, i don't feel good until i feel that people admire me. which is possibly the most egotistic, messed-up thing in the whole world.
success is like a drug. i hate what i have to do to get it. i hate how i feel agitated and diminished until i attain that temporary euphoria. it wears off, then i'm back to working for it again and feeling unsettled around those that i feel are a threat to my being able to attain my success - which is probably the worst part. it's causing a one-sided strain on my relationships, something i hate because they don't deserve for me to be jealous or resentful of them simply because they're talented, intelligent, athletic etc.
i'm ugly inside.
i've read books about the evanescence of earthly achievement. philosophy books...religious books...whatever. so in theory i understand that it simply matters not what i get on my next report card, whether i ever break at a varsity tournament, if i can become a good pianist/keyboardist - basically in the end we all die anyway [though the writers often expressed this in more eloquent euphemisms]. but knowing it in my head doesn't equate carrying that conviction with me all the time.
i'm not saying that i don't want to excell. i do. it's simply the negative effects of desiring that excellence and achieving it that are constantly making me question my motives. why am i so emphatic about maintaining an image of being an academically respectable asian girl? after i strip away all my excuses, perhaps my true incentive is not to please my parents, to push myself to my best, or anything...nice like that. it's probably just because i'm proud. i'm proud, so i don't want people to see what a failure i can be. i'm proud so i don't want to mess up and lose everyone's respect. i don't want to be less than what people think i am, and maybe who i want to be.
superficiality has always been a problem for me.
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| according to my mom, when i was one and a half, i was a mean baby.
her friends used to bring their babies to our house to play with me, and while they would bully each other by taking toys or stuffed animals, i would intimidate them verbally.
i learned how to talk pretty early [which may explain why i have such a hard time shutting up now..] and i would whisper things into the other kid's ears that would make them become scared of me. i have no idea what i said, and neither does my mom, because she said i'd wait until all the mommies were talking together, and then i'd start whispering stuff to them. as soon as the adults went over there, i'd stop talking and wouldn't start again until they left. but whatever i said must have been pretty mean because every time i did the kid would start crying and then listen to me afterwards.
the other moms would get irritated because i made their children scared.
how sad. i was a bully at one year and six months :[ but then my mom concluded by saying that it was no wonder that i enjoy intimidating people through speech and debate now.
[i swear that's not my motivation, but yeah i just thought what she said was funny.]
then when i was around four i started reading these books about a family of field mice or something that had really pretty names such as Catherine, Elizabeth [haha i just realized i hang out with people by those names...how odd] Ruby, Rose, Pearl, Jessica, etc. My mom took me to the library each week, and the first time i went the librarian asked me what my name was i told her my real name. The next week i would tell her my name was Ruby or something, and the next i would say i was someone else. i probably came across as some weird kid with an identity crisis, but now that i think about it pretending to be someone else is pretty amusing.
i'm seeing if i can fit into my old dress-up clothes.
okay the only thing i can still wear is a pink tutu. i think i'll start wearing this around the house over break.
. o ` x * .
what am i thankful for[in no particular order]:
my mom and dad. they treat me a lot better than i deserve to be treated, and talking to them about what it was like when i was a baby and an only child made me remember how much time they took to take care of me, play with me, talk to me, read to me. i don't think many people get parents as nice as mine. they're always willing to talk to me or help me with my homework, make lunch for me when i have to stay up late studying, wake me up in the morning when i'm too tired to hear my alarm, and just dolittle things that show how much they care about me. we argue sometimes, but overall my parents rock. your socks.
my SEESTERs. they're such weird little people. i'm worried that they'll grow up to be strange. like me. but yeah they're interesting, intelligent, sweet, and they're SO NICE, so i love them even though they have this annoying tendency to smack my butt and tell me i'm fat.
my church friends//i hang out with them every day every weekend; people i can talk to about anything in the world, friends that are so close they literally feel like they could be my family. and i'm really thankful that i have them because they're willing to tackle hard topics that i'd be embarassed to talk to other people about and also because they don't get caught up in drama or fights like the ones i sometimes have in school, and i can depend on them for a steady and consistent friendship. who else would i be weird with or jam with or teach me drums or run around and have adventures with?
moose fives[eunicetrishacassorinnivitiffstepharilaura] an assortment of some of the weirdest people i've met at cupertino - perhaps 'quirky' would be a more flattering word. lovely ladies that brighten up my day with their...uniqueness...thoughtfulness, occasional insightfulness and their silliness. and their LOTR/hot krn drama actors/fight club/anime/music obsessed convos are oh so funny.
wonderfully wacky people...and they're soooo nice :]
journalism people like neha, daisy, jessica, diya and other interesting characters. studying for chem and blocking debate cases and TEXT WRAPPING[argh] and article editing and squirrel watching.
and it's just nice being around lovely people that i can be thisclose to. muahahha daisy and neha rock my socks. and neha even rocks my crew socks and pantyhose[hah]
loverly lit/ss posse//catherinelizjenn// having people to make embarassing and stupidly amusing videos with is always a plus. it's also nice to know i'm not the one spot of red amid the sea of blue otherwise known as The Extremely Liberal State of California, and to have caSSORin to sing SWiTCHFOOT songs with, jenn to...draw mushroom clouds on our posters and funky coupons on my agenda...and liz to rant with when i'm feeling discouraged about our world.
s&d people. i just realized i've already named most of the debaters and speechers so the only people left in this category are like...larry and sridhar? yeah well i'm thankful that i have larry to talk to like everysingleday and have long meaningful/meaningless conversations with and to be my fRRRRiend and i'm thankful that i have sridhar so that we can discuss the downside of institutionalized debate. hah.
and then i suppose the random people that i know from random places. people like sarah, teri, brian, david, azn david, etc. that are a big inspiration and encouragement to everyone around them. i admire all of them a loOoOoT
i'm thankful for God.
" When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?
...O Lord, our lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!"
[psalm 8:3-9]
thank you for loving us.
and i'm grateful for anyone i may have left out. you rock my knee socks. the pantyhose, ankle socks and crew socks are all taken.
or you can rock my nylons.
. o`* x .
SCU in TWO WEEKS//i'm dabbling in speech for this tournament. then CPS the week after that...i'm screwed beyond belief. my first varsity tournament just has to be an invitational, doesn't it?
i'm paying $9o to get humiliated by a bunch of debaters who are better than i'll ever be.
okay now for my weird thought of the day
the gingko leaves along the side of the road turn pale yellow instead of red. i think it's so pretty how a lot of the sidewalk is buried in little fan shaped leaves, and when i walk through the piles on the sidewalk and the leaves are falling down at the same time it reminds me of snow.
ohmiGoSHh we got our new piano tuned today and it sounds a zillion times better than it did before. but i'm severely disillusioned now - it was previously so out of tune that my songs sound like completely different pieces now. disconcerting.
*postscript - i nearly forgot to note that i'm thankful for awesome songwriters like Jonathan Foreman, Greg Paek, Debussy, Jennifer Knapp, Mozart, Nicole Nordeman, Bach, Grieg, Satie, various jazz artists, and authors like Louisa May Alcott, LM Montgomery, people who write historical fiction, Arthur Golden, JRR Tolkien, JD Salinger, Betty Smith, William Golding, Locke, Gaardner and all those other geniuses...they rock my striped knee socks.
x 0 x o
have a great thanksgiving.
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| remember when we were in elementary school? if we wanted to be friends with someone, we just had to go up to them during recess and ask 'do you want to play?' and if they said yes then you were friends.
of course you had fights.then you'd yell dramatically 'you hurt my feelings!' 'i don't want to talk to you ever again!' 'fine!' - and then approach each other contritely the nest day - 'i'm sorry.' 'me too.' 'you want to go on the swings?'
how do things get so complicated?
high school comes, and you toss in a billion other factors. is the other person smart? are they popular? do they pose a threat to your status? are they a slut? a flirt? a slacker? would it be okay to hang out with them? then after all those questions are out of the way it still takes a long time to start talking to each other.
yeah i liked it better in third grade.
and then when we have fights, they're sparked by more than a disagreement over whether to go on the jungle gym or play with jumpropes, or an argument on who gets to be 'it'. now the grievances get built up and never said to the other person's face. gossip, accusations, jealousy, anger. so not only do you have two people quietly resenting each other, neither of them like to admit anything's wrong.
but there's obviously a problem.
and as dumb and elementary-schoolerish as this may sound, i really do want to resolve this because i'd rather be friends with you than be...whatever we are right now. i'll admit that i am frustrated and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little bit angry, but i'd rather work this out because the alternative holds very little appeal.
so yeah. want to be friends?
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